How to Build a Latrine

 Ever built a latrine? No? You should try it sometime.  Last weekend, the group (see following post) and I made our way to the wonderful community of Alta Mira, a small community in the mountains between Puerta Plata and Santiago.  There, we undertook the task of building three latrines.  Sounds easy, right? Think again. But have no fear my loyal latrine-builder-to-bes! Before I explain the process of building a latrine based on the personal expertise that I have gained from this experience, I do want to make a shout-out to the awesome people of Alta-Mira.  They were friendly, overfed us to the point of explosion, and sent us off with bags of oranges and fresh chocolate.  Also, I must say that I am becoming a beast at dominoes, although I lost our last match due to a pretty stupid play. 

How to Build a Latrine:

By Chris Vazquez

With help and direction from CIEE Service Learning and the residents of Alta Mira

Step one:

Take eight gringos fresh out of the mainland.  Teach them basic Spanish and give them an awesome guagua (a bus… in Ecuador it means baby…but here it definitely means bus) driver who can fjord rivers without getting cholera and losing Timmy (Oregon Trail reference…anyone…anyone…Bueller?).

Step two:

Have the driver take them to a tiny community in the middle of the mountains with materials to build latrines.  You’ll need wood, cement, cinderblocks, tin, and metal rods.  The community should have tools and nails.

Step three:

Have the students stay with host families that are awesome.  And that give them oranges and chocolate (as in real-cacao-smashed-up-and-rolled-into-a-ball-chocolate).

Step four:

Let the students race the locals in order to prove their worth in the community.  Also, have them do handstands and cartwheels to pass the time.  Finally, have them play a game of baseball before dinner.  I would suggest using an actual ball as opposed to a passion fruit, even though they both have around the same lifespan (the passion fruit is just messier when it explodes). 

Step five:

Make the students get up early, just to spend most of the morning watching the locals build the outside of the first latrine.  Give them simpler (yet necessary!) tasks like cutting wood, cutting rods, and taking pictures.  Oh, and let the tall one nail some stuff to let him feel useful.  He likes feeling useful.

Step six:

Feed the students…scratch that, overfeed them to the point of explosion…but don’t let them explode.  Let them wobble around like one of those inflatable punching bags that always seem to get the better of you.

Step eight:

Don’t worry about the non-existence of step seven.

Step nine:

Get the students hammering and constructing.  Let them build a frame at about a third of the speed as the locals.  Also, make sure that a few of the locals stick around to help the students…  If they don’t stick around, the latrine probably will collapse and lead to the first “death by imploding outhouse” since the 1800s.

Step ten:

Begin mixing the cement for the movable base of the latrine (they make a movable base so that they can move the latrine after the hole fills up).  Don’t tell the one guy to stop bringing gravel until he’s already brought three buckets too many.  Make sure that there aren’t enough shovels to go around in order to force the students into making use of their resources.

Step eleven:

Spread the cement out in the base and make it pretty with smoother thingies.  This will make the Americans feel competent for the first time all day.

Step twelve:

Change into your swimsuits and head to the river.

Step thirteen:

Chill in the river for a while; laugh at Marcos as he has to be carried by one of the locals so he doesn’t get his shoes wet; fight your way upstream to a little cove; eat the river shrimp given to you by one of the locals; proceed to spit out the parts of the shrimp that are not edible; realize you just ate a river shrimp raw and in water that could easily be full of parasites.

Step fourteen:

On the way back stop at an orange tree and eat 4 to 5 oranges.  Take some more for later.

Step fifteen:

After you get back to the town, continue to eat different fruits.  Realize the implications and consequences of eating so many fruits. Continue to eat them with this knowledge.

Step sixteen:

Have the awesome guagua driver pick you up and let the town go back to normal life…with three new latrines!